Jealousy...

today I took the time to think of what I want to work on about myself. I mean I thought about all of the things people have said about me, to me, and around me. to my surprise one of them was not jealousy. which I find to be a little crazy because if I'm being honest with myself I am a jealous person. I think it comes from a place of hurt, of disbelief and absolute disgust. I mean I feel bad that Im like that, but its true. As part of my "training" to facilitate an Anger Management group I learned that while we genuinely feel anger, its often a mask for other feelings. For me ,alot of times that other feeling is jealousy. That acknowledgement is dangerous because we are taught that jealousy has a negative connotation, its "not cute" and actually pretty damaging. Taking a minute to give a couple examples: my ex spent a ton of time with his mother and it used to drive me crazy, I used to tell him that the anount if time he put into that relationship was causing damage to ours. Not that it wasnt, but the underlying anger at his long hours with were more about being jealous. Not jealous that he wasnt with me, but if the relationship as a whole. He loved her and she loved him and they spent time together because they truly enjoyed the other. A mother/child relationship that I asnot used to and to see it every day made me sad. The same goes for some of my friendships, Im not upset by being blown off, Im jealous of the friendship that took precedence over our plans. Jealousy because these situations all beg the questions:What is wrong with ME that these things happen?? Am I not good enough?....on a good day I can say "ha, its their loss and of course Im good enough!"...but most days it just hurts my heart. Yhere are a few things I need to let go before I can move on with my life, I CANNOT continue to allow my past hurts stand in the way if my future happiness. Today,is the beginning of me trying to release some of the shame and jealousy I carry with me. Through writing and prayer I will work on letting these things go because I know that I can be a better person. Lord, give me the good sense to let bygones be bygones!