What I had and what Ive got...

Why do people waste so much time saying "I remember when I had/did...?" I mean I understand nostalgia and enjoy a trip down memory lane like the next person, but I also feel worse doing this lol. For example, the job I have now pays me a quarter of what my old job paid me and EVERY time I think about that a part of me wants to cry. All the money Ive squandered, the trips I didnt take, the things I didnt buy! Geez, thats heavy stuff! But right now I have less stress, more freetime and overall just happier to do this job,so why do I torture myself...why do any of us do this to ourselves. Im working on enjoying what I have and hoping life works itself out, with a lot of praying, patience and hard work! What I have now is better than what I had just two weeks ago!! That is progress!!

Resignation

This past week has been rough for me..came back from visiting friends and family for the holidays and had a great time. Yet, there were a few things that I just did not like. Mainly the fact that both my parents and my ex did little to make me feel like they cared that I was there. After two weeks in the state the only communication from my parents was a one word text after I sent a "Merry Christmas" one and my ex was just "too busy". On my ride back I thought long and hard about what it was that made me feel so...betrayed..for lack of better words. I think I felt that these three people "owed" me to at least be happy to see me, but they werent. Then as the week went on I learned some heartbreaking, but not totally surprising news about my mothers take on our relationship. After a slight breakdown and hours of crying I came to a conclusion: I've resigned. I'm resigning from attempting to make relationships work at the cost of my happiness and peace of mind. I've resigned to the fact that no one owes me shit, whether it ne friend or family and lastly, if I dont start really putting myself first I will never be able to fully accept other peoples actions. Everytime someone does something I dont understand I immediately wonder "why?!", but the truth is, I can't understand other people because Im not them. If I focus on me and what I can do I will me so much better off. Thinking about what other people need and will do is sure to cause me nothing but hurt and I'm not saying Im going to be a selfish bitch, but Im am going to spend MORE time thinking about what it is I want and need. I've resigned to the fact that some of what I do in my interactions with people makes me vulnerable. No more! No more! No more. Heres to another new beginning!!

Breaking Routine..

For the last week Ive been feeling different...still working on the appropriate phrasing, but I feel BLESSED! Last Sunday I read my Bible for the first time in years and today I went to church. Neither of these are normal or routine for me, but I felt compelled to do both. Looking at where I am today and where I was a month ago are crazy! I went from a decent paying job, an apartment, and a million stresses. Today, Im unemployed, living with family and while stress is inevitable, Im feeling less stressed than I have in a long time! Naming my blessings: life, health, family, the ability to move, the help I got to move, my car, my friends and a multitude of other blessings. More coming soon and I cant wait!

Was Today A Bad Day?

I cant tell if today was a bad day..Its almost 1215a and the knot I had in my stomach shortly after I woke up is still there. I could name the issues that Im having today, but its almost like "who cares?" because regardless of the day there will be something. I wrote, I danced, and I even appropriately addressed the situation...and nothing! Wtf! I thought coping skills are supposed to help you get over shit. Therein lies the dilemma: I coped, genuinely processed, so can I really say I had a bad day? Its sad to say, but at 26 yrs old Im still a crybaby. Crying is how I usually let stuff out and I didnt. That in itself is a victory! We will chalk this day up to a bronze medal win, making progress!!

Jealousy...

today I took the time to think of what I want to work on about myself. I mean I thought about all of the things people have said about me, to me, and around me. to my surprise one of them was not jealousy. which I find to be a little crazy because if I'm being honest with myself I am a jealous person. I think it comes from a place of hurt, of disbelief and absolute disgust. I mean I feel bad that Im like that, but its true. As part of my "training" to facilitate an Anger Management group I learned that while we genuinely feel anger, its often a mask for other feelings. For me ,alot of times that other feeling is jealousy. That acknowledgement is dangerous because we are taught that jealousy has a negative connotation, its "not cute" and actually pretty damaging. Taking a minute to give a couple examples: my ex spent a ton of time with his mother and it used to drive me crazy, I used to tell him that the anount if time he put into that relationship was causing damage to ours. Not that it wasnt, but the underlying anger at his long hours with were more about being jealous. Not jealous that he wasnt with me, but if the relationship as a whole. He loved her and she loved him and they spent time together because they truly enjoyed the other. A mother/child relationship that I asnot used to and to see it every day made me sad. The same goes for some of my friendships, Im not upset by being blown off, Im jealous of the friendship that took precedence over our plans. Jealousy because these situations all beg the questions:What is wrong with ME that these things happen?? Am I not good enough?....on a good day I can say "ha, its their loss and of course Im good enough!"...but most days it just hurts my heart. Yhere are a few things I need to let go before I can move on with my life, I CANNOT continue to allow my past hurts stand in the way if my future happiness. Today,is the beginning of me trying to release some of the shame and jealousy I carry with me. Through writing and prayer I will work on letting these things go because I know that I can be a better person. Lord, give me the good sense to let bygones be bygones!

I Moved!!

So, surprisingly after I made a plan to move, I ACTUALLY did it..anyone that knows me knows that Im a go-getter, but those that know me best know that I am also a master of self sabotage. I expect so much of myself that any shortcomings are like diseases to me,which is crazy talk. So this move tested me alot...had to leave my family, my friends ,my job, and my apartment. There was nothing that I wanted to do more than the pack everything I love and bring it with me. But of course not, because moving about the possibilities and new chances, so I had to take a chance... so here I am in VA in a different situation but hopeful. For once, I wanna get out of my own way! currently jobless, soon to be broke, and no local friends (but a hell of a support system).... but I could not be happier, going to take advantage of all the possibilities in the situation! let the opportunities pour in!

The Possibilities

What are the chances that life will give me what I need right now? The possibilities of doing what I can and not having to fight tooth and nail for the simple things in life is amazing to me. I got up this morning and before I'd even finished my instant (and damn good) coffee I got a job offer of sorts. Before I had a lot of time to really think of that, I was offered more help. I mean where does this happen?! What the hell is happening, a way out or "in" to be honest about it all. Im trying to make rational choices because there is nothing like blocking out the whole pictute to see what it is you want. I want to be able to move and not be a burden. Truth is its going to take work and HELP. Time to start taking it wherever I can get it....off to think!